Therapy Natters
Therapy Natters
Time Management and Self-Awareness
This week on Therapy Natters, Richard & Fiona delve into various strategies for effective time management, the importance of setting daily goals, and the impact of language.
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Hey everybody, welcome aboard the Therapy Natters bus. Destination Education. We are two psychotherapists, Richard Nicholls and Fiona Biddle, on a mission to help you all become a happier and more relaxed you. Hello Fiona. I never know what I'm going to say either.
Fiona:I mean, that sounded planned, destination education. That's rather, rather neat. If it wasn't planned, even
Richard:Oh. I planned it. Yeah, yeah. I knew I was going to say destination somewhere. But I like it that it rhymes. Things that rhyme seem to fit right in the brain. Marketers know it. It's no secret that if something rhymes or has alliteration, that it's going to appeal more or something with the right rhythm. Back in the 90s there was a T shirt from the adult Comic Viz, some merch that you could buy. And it was a picture of a 1940s, 1950s woman on it, sort of a black and white thing, that said, She gets the blokes because she smokes.
Fiona:classy poetry there. I was going to talk about iambic pentameter.
Richard:Well, that's the difference between you and me.
Fiona:I was thinking, actually, I remember having to do this in Latin classes of scanning the poetry and working out where the breaks were and, I mean, I don't remember much about it except doing it, but there is something. I've got a book of poetry that I'm reading at the moment. It's a poem per day and I started it on the first of January and at time of recording. That's nearly a year. and it really does to me as a simple person, make a difference if it feels nice, if the scanning feels nice, if it's got that nice rhythm. But I know that poets use different ways of doing it to evoke different emotions, but I think it's certainly a really valid point that the sound of the words that we use and the combinations really do make a difference.
Richard:Yeah, and if someone's got a goal, a New Year's resolution, maybe, of meeting new people, maybe dating, they could bump up against some old beliefs that come from, from having little to no social experience. They might have told themselves for 20 years that they, they don't know how to use words well and make people feel comfortable in their company. It's easy for people to just say, Oh, just be yourself. but if you've hated yourself for 20 years, being yourself might not feel like a good idea, even if it is. One of the biggest secrets, if it even is a secret, is that you don't need to be interesting. You just need to be yourself. Interested. Just be interested in what the other person is bringing to a conversation and you'll have, you'll, you'll, you'll create some good foundations.
Fiona:Yes I think many books on dating would say that showing an interest in the other person is the primary skill that you need, not just talking all about yourself. Nobody wants that. Well, I say nobody wants that. There is a little bit of pressure that will be taken off If somebody feels unsure about talking about themselves, then listening to somebody else rabbiting on could take some pressure off. But you're not going to feel good, are you, if you're just all about them?
Richard:Yeah, and don't worry too much about small talk. If you want to learn how to be comfortable in other people's company, then Maybe learn to be comfortable talking about the weather, or I'm a celebrity, or whatever reality show or current thing is in the zeitgeist. You can save the deeper, more meaningful conversations about life, the universe and everything for more introverted times.
Fiona:Well, extroverts can do that too.
Richard:Oh, absolutely. I'm quite extroverted and I love those sorts of things, but That aside, it would be good to bring the topic of conversation closer to today's episode subject.
Fiona:Yes. because we haven't got even close to it yet, have
Richard:Well, I kind of tried.
Fiona:Have you? Oh, I haven't tried. I've just been going along with where we've been going off on tangents. I like a good tangent, as we've said before. But, yes, perhaps it's just time that we pull it in. Because we do want to talk about time, don't we?
Richard:Yeah.
Fiona:Because time is a very interesting thing that many people think they don't have enough, and other people think that they've got too much. But everybody actually does have the same amount of time.
Richard:In theory, everybody does have the same 24 hours in a day, seven days in a week, but everybody's got their own unique phenomenological experience, haven't they?
Fiona:Yes.
Richard:And we all have the same goal at the end of the day. We might not all realise it. We might call it something different. We can call it a goal to be happy, maybe. Or comfortable, or relaxed, content, or safe. Some people feel good by being busy.
Fiona:Yeah.
Richard:Some people feel good by staring out of the window with a cup of tea and working out what makes you feel good gets you to know which way your direction needs to be. So when you wake up in the morning, you can ask yourself, what do I want to achieve? Today. And when I used to say that to my son Billy when he was little, there was that old phrase, what do you want to achieve today? And Dawn used to get annoyed at me. Don't talk to him like he's a client. And I suppose It is a very therapy thing to say, isn't it? To wake up every morning and say, what do, I want to achieve today?
Fiona:It is a very therapy thing to do, but I think it's exceptionally important to consider whether it's an appropriate behaviour. It almost is a behaviour, isn't it? To adopt sort of setting it as a, a regular thing, sort of first thing in the morning. Some people do meditation. Formally, other people might just think about things in the shower, um, whilst having the first cup of coffee, whatever, everybody sort of starts their day. And that start in their day might be at 6 in the morning, it might be at 10 in the morning, it could be at 5 in the afternoon if you're working shifts. There's always a start to a day. And just having a moment or two to think. What do I want today to be about? So you said achieve. Sometimes it could be achieving, as in doing, or completing, or experiencing. But sometimes it could just be that I want to relax today.
Richard:How do I want to feel
Fiona:Yeah, how do I want to feel? When it's time to end the day, usually by going to bed, how do I want to feel as I look back on the day? So you start by looking forward as to how you want to be looking back. And that will depend on each individual, their way of being. I noticed my thought when you said about everybody wanting to feel good. Some people want to feel good by feeling bad, in a strange way.
Richard:Is it strange?
Fiona:well, it feels strange to say it out loud.
Richard:As a therapist I'd like to, to dig underneath all of that. But these Victor Meldrew characters exist. They have a schema running through them that says, I only feel good when I've got something to complain about. And although that might come from a painful place, I'm back to my old phrase of nothing's a problem unless it causes problems.
Fiona:Haven't said that for at least a couple of episodes. Victor Meldrew is a great example. If any of our listeners haven't experienced said character, put him into YouTube and you'll, you'll find it. I mean, he's, he's an amazing character. as a demonstration of how people are happy being miserable. I was also thinking about people who, do some extreme form of exercise. going for a swim in a cold lake followed by a marathon. To me that wouldn't feel good. But I suspect that to some of them they would actually feel good doing it. But also there would be some who don't feel good, but they feel good because they did it. Even that they feel good for almost having put themselves through it. Usually, there will be some good feeling that comes from, a planned action to feel bad.
Richard:You were talking earlier on about routines and starting the day with some sort of informal or formal mindfulness or yoga or something and I do that. With Duolingo. I start the day with a coffee and some Duolingo. For the last almost a year I've been learning Welsh. I don't know why I chose Welsh. Well, well, I do know why I chose Welsh, of course I do, because it was, um, I was called out on by my therapist when I told them Oh I've started learning Welsh. Something to do innit? And they said, Oh, why is that? And I said, oh, no particular reason, really. And then I went on a 10 minute rant about the injustice of the English trying to stamp out the Welsh language by not only beating the children if they spoke Welsh, but also turning all the school children against each other if anyone ever said a Welsh word in the school because they knew, given the right conditions, they could eradicate the Welsh language in almost no time at all with what they called the Welsh Not it was a sign that would be hung around somebody's neck on a rope if they spoke a Welsh word.
Fiona:When was this?
Richard:Oh, it was a hundred years ago plus, but there's, there's reports of it still going on well into the 1900s, 30s, maybe, because, um, there'd have still been some English speaking teachers with an agenda. I know of one woman who described a sign she was made to wear in the 1930s that said, I'm so stupid, I speak Welsh. So if a child was overheard. speaking Welsh, they'd have this sign hung around their neck and whoever was wearing it at the end of the day would get a severe beating. Friend of the podcast Zayna, her daughter reminded me of it last year because she's a teacher in Wales isn't she she was talking about it at the wedding. So, it encouraged the children to snitch on each other. If someone was wearing it, they only had to say, Sir, Sir, Ewan, Ewan just said a Welsh word, and they'd get it passed over. Making anything to do with the Welsh language something to, to fear. And the equivalent of psychologists came up with this. And it makes sense. If you want to beat this out of them, here's how. I went off on a tangent with my therapist, and they said, Looks like there was a good reason for you to choose Welsh over any other language, wasn't there? It wasn't just for something to do, cos you could have chosen French, or Spanish, or Greek, or whatever, but no. I chose Welsh. And also, Wales! it's, right there! it's there! I'm in the Midlands and it is the closest other country. You're even closer than me.
Fiona:Yes, yes certainly the closest country to me and to you.
Richard:why wouldn't we?
Fiona:Yeah, and last time I went to Wales, I really enjoyed hearing people speaking Welsh. And I sort of felt a little bit, not guilty but a little bit disappointed in myself. I used to work with somebody who was Welsh and he taught me a few phrases but, not to the extent that I could have any confidence in saying them anymore because that was a very long time ago.
Richard:So that's how I start my day. 15, 20 minutes every morning just soaking it up. And I don't put a great deal of effort into it either. It just goes in.
Fiona:well that's a very, very receptive time of day when you've just woken up so that fits. Yeah. So many places that you do things, courses, whatever, they say you must do it at this time, or you must do it in this way, or use, use this method. On Evolve to Thrive, we, we offer you a couple of methods for time management, but they're just offerings, because there's hundreds out there now, especially with apps and so on. And I've never found an app that does time management the way I want to do it. So, I do it myself using spreadsheets. I create them and I do spend more time creating them than I should do because I like them to have nice pretty colours. But, that's okay. It is about finding the way that suits you as an individual. Now, of course, there are issues with that if you're working in a team, or even a family. I mean, I know we talked last week about when goals were joint goals, and going back to the holiday idea, if you were to have a schedule for your holiday, it needs to suit everybody who's in that group on holiday. Even if it's a couple, So your time management systems have to be ecological, I guess, they've got to fit, and that's the way to make them work. But not having one, And just letting days drift by, if you're working towards a goal,
Richard:That won't
Fiona:isn't going to get you. yeah, because the fundamental thing is that tomorrow never comes.
Richard:One of the best marketing things that Nike did was just this massive big sign that said Yesterday, you said tomorrow. And then, just do it. And know it seems obvious that if you've got something to do, then just do it. Just do it! But it's not always easy for people to believe that if they start, then they'll achieve their goal. And it's important to look underneath the reasons why they haven't started? Why they haven't implemented some sort of time management system? When coaches or online blogs offer up some ideas of what to do, and here are some great ideas of how to get things going, and maybe those ones don't work for them. But there's so many more options out there, yet they've still not looked for them. Why? What is going on underneath there? What are you saying to yourself? How are you feeling about that? Is there some pessimism or hopelessness? Some negative expectation? How are you going to be motivated to do something if there is a strong part of you saying, Well, that'd be a waste of time. You won't, you won't do it. There'd be no, no urge to do it. There'd be no motivation.
Fiona:One of the ones that we offer is the Pomodoro Technique. anybody who hasn't heard of that. Do you remember those, Kitchen timers that were popular back in the 70s. You can still, you can still get them. Yes, they're a tomato and the top half turns round to set your time. And so the Pomodoro time management technique is to use that to set yourself 25 minutes. You can use your phone now. You don't have to get a tomato, but you can if
Richard:There's probably some Pomodoro tomato shaped app for that now.
Fiona:Probably is. But it's, I mean, you can, you can ask Siri to, to, to do it for you. But the basic premise, and I think just having that idea of the tomato, helps as well because it's something to tie it to in the mind. So it's 25 minutes of doing whatever it is you're doing and five minutes break. And I remember using that when I was revising for exams when I was at uni, so that was a very long time ago. But that worked for me then in terms of revision scheduling. If I just sat down at nine in the morning and thought, well I've got three hours till lunch, then that felt far too big a chunk and I would get nothing done in that chunk, but divide it into those 25 minutes and five minutes break worked very nicely. I don't find that that works for me now. In the sorts of, sorts of things that I'm wanting to do, I'd be happy at most of the things that I do to have a big chunk of time. part of that is the motivation, is that I'm really wanting to do the things that I do now. Whereas, I wasn't really very keen on revising the stuff I had to revise for my degree.
Richard:I'm just remembering back in 2017 when I was approached by, um, a book publishing house to write a book and they said, This is the word count that we're looking for and they said they wanted seven chapters and I'm like Yeah, I can come up with seven chapters, and that was great, because I had the word count, so I just divided it by seven to get a rough idea of how much each chapter needed to be. And I was then able to write seven sort of bits of blurb, you know the blurb on the back of the book. I wrote one for each chapter, and then just kept on expanding it and expanding it and expanding it until I hit the word count for each chapter. But some days were harder than others, and I had to set breaks, or my brain would just stop. But there were some days that I didn't need to. Or if I did, I overrode it because I was on a roll. I was
Fiona:You're in the zone.
Richard:Yeah. So what worked for me wasn't always having a 25 minute timer because I was enjoying it. I love words. Of course I do. How many podcasts am I on, you know? And I'm a hypnotherapist. Of course I love words. And working out what works for you might be very unique, but you have to work it out. It could be just sitting with a pot of tea and just going for it and going, wow, I've hit my target and it's only half past 11. I can stop. Maybe you can. See how you feel.
Fiona:Exactly, and I mean, I think the point that's coming out here is that it not only varies from person to person but task to task. I have actually in my calendar my cleaning activities for the week. Because otherwise I, I sort of forget that, I haven't hoovered the the hall stairs and landing. So I put it in there. So that, that works for me in that context. and when I was doing exams the Pomodoro technique worked, but I don't need that for other things now. So there could be different, ways for different things and that's okay.
Richard:What we're highlighting is that some sort of time management system is absolutely necessary. And I know that's a literal absolute, but if you have some goals and you're just waiting for things to happen. Guess what? They're not going to happen, because if they were going to, they already would have done. And you wouldn't, you wouldn't need to have a goal, because you'd have already achieved it, without even trying.
Fiona:Yeah, I mean, sometimes things do, but yes, I remember our friend Shaun talking about one of his recent graduates, that they'd met up and Shaun said, well, how's business going? And he said, well, I haven't, I haven't had any clients. What are you doing to get the clients? He said, well, you told me that clients came by referral. So I've been waiting for them to come. I think people can see the, the flawed logic there, but it's a very common thing actually in therapy because the skills that one needs to be a therapist don't tend to match with the skills to be a marketer.
Richard:yeah. they didn't spend all that time learning to run a business, they were taught to be a therapist.
Fiona:in any good therapy course that should be covered to a degree, but it's the natural tendency, is not to sell. So, it can be a bit problematic, but, you know, to achieve anything, there has to be a plan and there has to be action. I mean, the, that the book, the Secret. They miss out the part that you have to do things.
Richard:Ah, Yeah, There is a danger there. I've heard people talk a lot about the law of attraction, and it can be misunderstood, misinterpreted that if I just dream it, it'll happen. If I just wish hard enough, if I pray for it, it will come, and that's not what it means. What people mean by that is. When you have something on your mind, you prime yourself to see opportunities to make it come true. One of the biggest things you hear about with the Law of Attraction is finances. And I sit on the fence about finances because money isn't everything, for sure. Or at least it's not the answer to everything, unless you're struggling financially. If you're not then maybe it shouldn't be much of a focus, but telling yourself with this affirmation of I am wealthy. I am abundant. I am wealthy and abundant. I am wealthy and abundant. It will not make you wealthy and abundant. It's not that. But if needing to be wealthy and abundant is on your mind, then you might well hear in a conversation with someone that they're asking for help with a job. And then you're in a position to go, Oh, well, I'm free on Saturday if you want me. I mean, maybe not minimum wage, but, you know, chuck us a couple of quid I'm yours all day. And they say, Sure, it's a hundred quid, alright. And suddenly you are more wealthy and abundant. But not because you put it out there into the universe to send you an opportunity. You began the process of priming yourself to see those opportunities. And that's what's really important. Really, really important. So, sure, create a mantra. Do what works for you. As long as it's structured properly and it's it's positive and it's realistic and then you can look for the opportunities to make that happen.
Fiona:Absolutely, because the converse, which is fairly obvious, but you won't see the opportunities if you're not in that frame of mind, so you won't see the opportunity to learn a new skill, for example, if you're not in the frame of mind to think, well, yeah, I need to expand my career, so I need to be learning something new in order to get that promotion. Because you wouldn't see in your trade magazine, you wouldn't see the advert for the course, if you weren't in that place.
Richard:How many times have you met people whether it's in therapy or in the outside world and they're talking about how they've been lonely in life they haven't had as many relationships as they'd like, if any, and it's frustrating and it's saddening and they'll talk about the missed opportunities. That it was obvious, afterwards, that somebody liked them, and all their friends would say, Yeah, they really liked you. And they go, Huh? And everyone else is like, Well, how could you not see that? But they, they didn't see themselves as attractive. Or lovable, or maybe even likeable. They couldn't see it in themselves, so they couldn't see it in someone else when they were showing them. Because it wasn't part of their world.
Fiona:I heard Richard Coles, you know, Reverend Richard Coles talking about when he met his partner, who's since died sadly, but when they met, Richard was saying that, they were just chatting and chatting and chatting, and then they'd gone their separate ways and sort of said, oh, let's meet up soon, sort of very vague sort of thing. And Richard just got a text message from him saying, Don't you get it? Which is so sweet. It's just absolutely lovely because, David I think his name was, he took action. If they both just let it sort of, just simmer and carry on without thinking it through and taking action, well it's not going to happen. But what a lovely, lovely way to do that.
Richard:Yeah, and, uh, sorry to bring it down a bit, but there might be a reason for that. I've never met him, but I did see the Reverend Richard Coles on a train once, but he was asleep. well, he wasn't asleep. He was just sort of dozing I think he was made redundant a couple of days later, actually. But I don't think the two things were connected.
Fiona:There's a lot of mind reading going on here, but do carry on with your story.
Richard:So I'm making an assumption here about low self-esteem. But I do wonder if the Reverend Richard Coles has spent a lot of time feeling unlovable and unlikable. Um, many, many, many years ago, for whatever reason, And he's admitted it, and he's apologised for this, and he's probably had a lot of therapy about this, but he pretended he was HIV positive for attention.
Fiona:Oh, I didn't know that.
Richard:Happy, healthy people don't do that.
Fiona:No.
Richard:Something was going on there. Something sad, something very sad was going on there. And that must have had an effect. I know I'm using an absolute, but it's very likely that that had a damaging effect on his self esteem.
Fiona:I mean, if you think about the sort of person that he is now, compared to the life he was living when he was a pop star,
Richard:Yeah, it was in the Communards.
Fiona:must be a conflict, there, that doesn't, doesn't feel congruent, so not surprising if something went a bit wrong. But that's a good example to me of somebody who very simply took massive action.
Richard:Yeah, and somebody listening to this might need to take massive action. They might need to send a text to someone that says, Don't you get it?
Fiona:Yeah. Feel free to copy that, but don't, don't blame us if it goes wrong.
Richard:Well, on that note, we've had quite a tangential episode today. Lots going on. Don't know what I'm going to call the episode. We'll be back next week, of course, and if you have any questions that you'd like to ask us about Therapy Natters or Evolve to Thrive, if you're an Evolve to Thrive customer, please do get in touch. And, if you have a question, we'll see if we can weave it into these episodes. You can email us, you can Whatsapp us, you can even SMS text message us, or find us splattered all over social media. I'm quite busy on Blue Sky at the minute, you'll find me on there. I quite like that because I've kind of given up on Twitter. It's become a bit of a horrible place, really.
Fiona:and surprisingly, I'm not.
Richard:No, no, no.
Fiona:But I am.
Richard:You don't have to. it's not your thing, it's not your thing. You do you.
Fiona:Exactly.
Richard:But if you are social media savvy and you'd like to send us a message, please do.
Fiona:You'll find us one way or another.
Richard:100 percent. Absolutely.
Fiona:And we look forward to hearing from you.
Richard:So let's leave them for another week. Fiona, have a great week everyone and we will talk to you next time.
Fiona:Thank you. Bye.
Richard:Bye.
